Frenemy

The definition of a

Frenemy

is a person who acts as if they are your friend when in fact they actually have ulterior motives. They are more of an enemy than a friend. So, friends or foes? That’s for you to decide. In my opinion, most people surround themselves with nothing but frenemies and call them their friends. Drake said it best, fuck a fake friend but where your real friends at?

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Grey Area

I am now long past dead. My heartbeat slowly faded and I am now caught mid-life & free-falling steadily through what has now become my only reality. 

The absence of my very own existence. A new reality that is not my own but, instead a nightmare I am not waking up from. 

The struggle to end all struggles, I come to a painful end. Leaving my soul bare, no longer caring to remember my seemingly neverending fight to survive. Nevermore, will there be temptation to breath air. Nevermore, will there be a fight to be heard or to be felt. Nevermore, will I care to dream the dream of you. I am left with only a numb pieceful steady flow of burnt out energy & nevermore, will I base my very existence focused upon your love.

I recently discovered love is a lie. The lie is that love will always prevail. It doesn’t always prevail as I once thought it did. 

Forever I’ve been living my life blinded in faith. A faith that love would always see me through and lead me safely to my truest hearts desire. Love, is where I always dreamed that I would be. It is the only place that once made me feel safe and now without it, so lost and alone.

 I am no longer living, no longer dying.  I am just existing here, resonating somewhere in the Grey area between what is here and what is gone. 

The Grey area is now my only comfort. The Grey area I now know does exist. The Grey area being the only truth I now know. The Grey area is now my home.

Dying of a broken heart; is it possible?

This personally is my favorite thing I have written thus far…..

Daily Voice Of Reason;

I loved, I tried, I failed and so I left; one last and final time. I was once told that I would know when I was truly done. In the past I might have disagreed with that, until it happened just like that. The straw that broke the camels back or so to speak. That very statement turned in to the truest words that have ever been spoken to me and will forever stay stuck in my head just like a thorn stuck in my side. Both deeply hurting me like nothing else ever could.

My mother, who is also a registered nurse, used to work for hospice patients. She used to tell me sometimes tell me stories about what it was like to look after patients that were terminal and how it would affect her once they passed. I remember what she said always bothered her most was when…

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Dying of a broken heart; is it possible?

I loved, I tried, I failed and so I left; one last and final time. I was once told that I would know when I was truly done. In the past I might have disagreed with that, until it happened just like that. The straw that broke the camels back or so to speak. That very statement turned in to the truest words that have ever been spoken to me and will forever stay stuck in my head just like a thorn stuck in my side. Both deeply hurting me like nothing else ever could.

My mother, who is also a registered nurse, used to work for hospice patients. She used to tell me sometimes tell me stories about what it was like to look after patients that were terminal and how it would affect her once they passed. I remember what she said always bothered her most was when it was both the husband and wife or one or the other that would pass. She told me countless tales about the surviving spouse passing always shortly after the other and was always her belief that it was the cause of a broken heart. She believed that after someone had lost the very reason they lived, that between the pain of their loss and lack of will to go forward that they were able to give up completely until death came to take them back to find what they ultimately had lost. If you believe in love, than what makes death by a broken heart so unbelievable.

Recently I found an article on WebMD.com ” Can You Die of a Broken Heart” written by Eric Metcalf, MPH that explained about Broken Heart Syndrome. “It is reported that 90% of these cases are mostly women and that 2% of people who go into the ER seeming to be suffering a heart attack is actually Broken Heart Syndrome, 5% or higher being mainly women. The actual name, “Broken Heart Syndrome, “came about by researchers noticing that grieving a loss of a love one was the common factor with patients who were suffering from “Heart attack” like symptoms and even cases that resulted in deaths.

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I myself once died of a broken heart, it’s a long story that I’m not going to go into; at least not today. The love that I just left is also the same love that killed me, brought me back from what would have been my grave and is the very reason I truly believe that one can actually die from having a broken heart and is also the cause for my research and interest on this subject. The feeling of once again having a broken heart is what brought me to writing this post.

Some days are easier than others but the days that it hurts, it hurts bad. The thing that I have the most problem grasping is the behavior itself. I can not in my wildest dreams fathom doing to him as he has done to me, and since I can’t understand it, I can not seem to get over it. The thing that ultimately hurts me the most is that at the end of the day I lost my best friend. I also never in a million years could have guessed we would have ever been here to this point. Once upon a time I thought we were unbreakable but I guess I was truly mistaken. I don’t know how, when or why this started to happen, all I know is that once it did start there was no stopping it no matter how hard I tried to change it.

Now I am left alone, lost and broken wondering how do I pick up the pieces and where do I go from here. Some days I don’t even know how I am managing to do so when I never even thought that I could. If I could go back into time I would have told myself to not put so much faith and effort into what I thought I had and that in the end that person would deceive me, do things that I couldn’t dream of doing and have it end so badly. I wouldn’t do it again and now wish I never had to begin with. Broken-Heart-Photos-Quotes-21

I fully understand why people would and can “Die of a broken heart.” It is hard losing the ones you love no matter how it is you lost them. I have done it myself at one point and am still here to tell at least part of the story. For any more information on this topic or to read the article cited in this post, you can click the link below. Thanks again to my readers and I wish you all the best.

“Can You Die of a Broken Heart?” (Eric Metcalf, MPH)

10,000 Times

For every tear I have wept from you, I hope you cry 10,000 more. 

For every name you ever called me, I hope people call you 10,000 times worse

For every time you made me feel alone, I hope you feel 10,000 times lonelier. 

For every time I still feel pain, I hope you feel it 10,000 times worse. 

I hope one day you realize all the hell you put me through & you go through hell 10,000 times from it. 

I hope one day you’ll see me along with someone else who makes me laugh like you used to, and I hope it kills you 10,000 times over. 

I hope I one day stop missing who you used to be, and you miss me period 10,000 times more.

I hope that one day you can’t live with yourself , but I’ll finally be able to 10,000 times better.

Today is that one day, & I’m saying goodbye for the last 10,000th time.